Canine Rage

The mightiest puppy in the universe has issues....

Hello, humans.

Please don’t let my stock ID fool you- I am not happy today.

My actual feelings are more like this:

And trust me, you do not want me to get angry. I look all cute and cuddly, sure, but I’m stronger, faster, more limber, more athletic, and certainly more intelligent than I would say about 99% of you lot.

Seriously!

I could show you hours of footage of me, captured on digital devices and CCTV networks, of me lifting mountains, outrunning cheetahs, perfectly executing jumps across wide canyons, flying and swimming at highly exceptional paces, blowing out climate changed-induced fires, contorting myself in order to escape very tight spaces, and- most importantly- using my massive intellect to unravel Gordian knots that have puzzled both my fellow animals and you humans.

And you still would think I’m a faker made out of CGI! (Well, at least, the lesser lights of you would think so…)

Anyway, to business…

I have tried to be exceptionally patient with many of you dum-dums as you condescendingly treat me and my fellow dogs as ignorami, of which we are not..

And then I see this…

Gee, I wonder what that’s about?

Only another craven attempt of yours to ridicule my race!

Whomever decided to greenlight this project knows nothing of how dogs actually live their lives, and is a craven and cowardly poltroon, besides.

I swear, if I ever encounter this Mr. Tartakovsky, I will positively encoil myself around him until…

Hold on. Text message from my “creator”, Mr. Perlmutter…

Oh. Seems he has a wider filmography than I imagined. He’s not the amateur sot I thought he was…

But the matter still stands. They could have easily taken the matter of humans master controlling our sexuality with their “veterinary medicine” as a serious problem, but they can only conceive of this as a comic narrative.

I warn you, Netflix and Sony. Me and my friends are experienced at dealing with your kind:

…so be careful how you tread around me…

And that’s not all! Only today was this foisted upon me:

Cut the Cost of Living — Eat Your Dog!

WHAT LUNATIC IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

As if I didn’t have enough trouble with those fiends in China doing that! You want me to believe Europeans and North Americans would actually do this???

Can we not go any length of time without our sexuality- nay, our very existence- being threatened and questions? ‘Cause Cerby ain’t playin’ this!

I could go around punching, kicking and biting the whole billions of you, and still you wouldn’t get it!

Oh. Mr. Perlmutter, again…

What do you mean that this Mr. Ogley has been getting away with this weirdness for lo these many years on more than one of these damned writing places?

Okay- I’m stopping this now before I really get furious! Because we Perros are capable of wrecking your useless damned existences when we go goblin mode! Don’t try to persuade us to “calm down” when we’re like this, ‘K?:

Good night, and bad luck….

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