Gabbin' With The Girls

Some wild superhero times...

In “honor” of it being National Girls’ Night today (September 22, 2023): this important message has been transmitted:

Fade in

Int.- The Secret Space Station Headquarters of The International League of Girls With Guns

Cerberus, the world’s mightiest puppy, has turned on a camera to begin a live broadcast. She then appears in front of it.

CERBERUS: Ah, there we are! Attention, people of Earth! I, Cerberus, the world’s mightiest puppy, along with the rest of my colleagues in the International League of Girls With Guns (muscles, not firearms) request your undivided attention! (Pause). Okay, maybe that’s asking a lot of some of you, but….

We have a teensy little favor to ask of you, whomever the hell it is reads our stuff on this barren desert of a writing platform….

HELP US!

Unfortunately, the stars have not aligned positively for us recently. It started when it suddenly became Candy’s “time of the month”, and…(an explosion shatters the doorway behind her and she hits the deck) SHIT!

Candy Girl, having destroyed the doorway, stands in it, furious, panting, and frothing like a mad dog.

CANDY: You BITCH! You’re talking SMACK about me!

CERBERUS: Don’t be ridiculous, Candy! This is the red dot in your panties talking, not….

CANDY: SHADDAP! Don’t think you can bluff your way out of this, like you always do when we play poker!

She stomps slowly towards Cerberus, who is unmoved.

CANDY: I gotcha now, and you can’t escape. I’m gonna rip that arrogant pelt right off of your….

Abruptly, Muscle Girl flies in and inserts herself between them.

MUSCLE GIRL: Knock it off, you two!

CERBERUS (whisper): It’s her…

MUSCLE GIRL (also whisper): ….period. Yeah, I know. She….gets it bad.

CERBERUS: What should we do?

MUSCLE GIRL: Subdue her!

CERBERUS: Right. But not kill her, of course.

MUSCLE GIRL nods.

CANDY: You SLUTS! You’re scheming to get rid of me! Not without a fight!

She sends an arc of green light at the camera, but misses. Muscle Girl and Cerberus tackle her from opposite ends and knock her out.

MUSCLE GIRL (notices the camera): You’re filming this???

CERBERUS(guilty): I can explain…

MUSCLE GIRL (hands in her hair, panicking): Ye Gods! We’ll get exposed even worse than when those aliens were making those shitty movies about us!

She calms down for a moment, but then becomes angry.

MUSCLE GIRL: How could you? I trusted you, and….

CERBERUS: Would you RELAX? (Pause). Look, this whole situation has gotten out of hand, and….

MUSCLE GIRL: Sure has! Candy had to get her period at the same time as Power Bunny fell off the alcohol wagon- again!

CERBERUS: And the Brat?

MUSCLE GIRL: Dragged down by PB. Neither of them can resist a little nip!

CERBERUS: How in the world did they get alcohol here in the first place? We specifically told them under no uncertain terms that…

Power Bunny and The Brat are heard drunkenly singing an off-color tune off-key.

CERBERUS: WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!

Power Bunny and The Brat, insulted, make themselves appear in the room instantly.

PB (drunk): You….talkin’ about us?

BRAT (also drunk): They are!

CERBERUS: Who else would we be talking about, you drunken sots? We are supposed to be a sober organization!

PB (makes a dismissive sound): Ah, you’re no fun!

BRAT (cackling): Yeah, baby! Shake that ass!

MUSCLE GIRL: Excuse me?

CERBERUS: How dare you! Once you two get sober, we are going to have to have a little talk about your manners!

PB: Manners? Fuck that!

(She shapes a carrot-shaped beam of light and tosses it at Cerberus, who ducks. Meanwhile, the Brat discharges a bullet from her gun at Muscle Girl, which bounces off of Muscle Girl’s chest easily).

MUSCLE GIRL (exploding): GODDAMNIT! That’s IT!

(She leaps at the Brat, and they start fighting.)

PB (taunting): Bet ya can’t bring me down, mutt!

CERBERUS (losing her cool): Fuck you, cotton ass!

(They start mixing it up. In the meantime, Candy awakes and charges over.)

CANDY: You all think you’re so smart, huh? Trying to push me out of here? Well, take this!

(She aims a beam of green light at the camera and it explodes).

(Fade out.)

Epilogue: Things were ultimately resolved when Candy’s period ended. They agreed to a truce and stronger enforcement of the no-alcohol policy…which was promptly broken at the next poker night.

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