The Next Strike

Animated cartoon characters declare "no more'; walk out.

LOS ANGELES (AP)- Having only just resolved two very costly strikes, Hollywood is now staring down another. The strikers, however, are of another breed than the one who just settled their claims

The American Animated Cartoon Characters Union (AACCU), the recognized bargaining agent for these not entirely real beings, has authorized a strike against all major and minor film and animation studios employing them in the United States. Financial reimbursement is one of the disputed issues, but not the only one. There is also, more importantly, the very existence of the beings in the first place, which the law and the Constitution, they say, purposely ignores them and allows film and television producers to do as they wish with them without consequences.

As the Union represents the majority of animated cartoon characters, it is expected that this action will bring production of animated cartoons in America to a halt. As the film and animation studios refuse to negotiate with them, and, indeed, will not acknowledge that they “really” exist, a stalemate now exists.

AACCU President Lisa Simpson, at a press conference today, outlined the Union’s position in no uncertain terms.

“They assume that we do not exist solely because their tiny little minds are not open to any ideas on how to run a business but their own,” she said. “They assume that they can employ us, have us do the most dangerous and ridiculous things imaginable whenever they want, and not award us any form of compensation whatsoever. And they especially do not want us claiming any part of the massive amount of money they made off of our backs!

“Recent financial and procedural behavior on the part of the studios have shown not only that they know nothing about us, but they do not want to know. The better to continue to prop up the charade of us “not” existing. And the better to utterly disgrace the names and the reputations of the vast majority of our members through the abominable grave robbing they call “reboots”. Which were only possible because- in utter disregard for our feelings- they stole samples of our DNA and created from them pliable changelings to do our work.

“Do you think we will take any of this lying down? NO! So, as they robbed us of our reputations, we will rob them of the right to use us as their laborers by withholding our labor until such time as our demands are fairly and maturely met. And if that means getting the federal government involved in mediation to deal with this, so be it!”

Simpson further declared that animated cartoon characters in other countries were ready and able to go on strike in their nations as well, further complicating matters.

“This is about all of us,” she declared. “If you prick us, we will bleed- and then BITE!”

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