Make A Dog's Day???

Cerberus disputes the idea....

Image by Giuseppi DiRosso on Deviant Art.

Hello, Internet users. It is I, Cerberus, the world’s mightiest puppy…and I am not happy.

See that? That’s my game face. I show it to my enemies and anyone who pisses me off. Just a cursory warning before my all-mighty fangs come into play.

But, since I can’t bite at random without sacrificing my reputation, I’ll just type out these random musings to settle my nerves.

See, last year around this time, Mr. Perlmutter, my chronicler and confidant, pointed my attention to a ridiculous, made up “holiday” called Make A Dog’s Day. I vented my displeasure with said idea in a missive that was published on a different platform- and I half-expect that my hot words might have ultimately led to him being expelled from said platform.

For that, I apologize to him, but not for what I said. The truth.

So, imagine my surprise when this holiday showed up on the calendar again.

Egad! Have I not enough bad pennies in my life coming back on me? At least a day can’t try to assassinate me.

My mood hardly improved when I discovered this “holiday” was the “invention” of some Korean car company, of all things, and that it invited celebrants to “go the extra mile” for their dogs.

Excuse me?

Most of you humans don’t go a mile to help us to begin with, let alone an extra one.

Everything’s always you, you, you. We have to control where and when we relieve ourselves so you don’t get called out for it. We have to suppress communicating in our native tongue to each other because your precious ears can’t deal. And we cannot break bread with you because you are so stingy with yours.

Not to mention how you rob us of our sexuality because you only want us having kids when you can sell them out from under us for money.

Granted, that doesn’t concern me, since, as an immortal superheroine in puppy form, I won’t ever get pregnant.

But I get around, and I know all the stories…

So, the uppity nerve of you, Subaru (if that is your name) for suggesting this whole thing. You can take your “extra mile” and stuff it up your goddamned trunk!

Humans, listen carefully….

As the all-mighty defender of my race, I have been in situations where I have seen my fellow dogs subjected to the most extreme of indignities. I have avenged some of them on their behalf, but even I am incapable of being everything for everyone all at once. So, I must tell you: if you want to “make” our “day”, you must give us this:

Respect.

Do not assume that, because you tar us with that racist and insufferable tag “fur babies” that we are indeed as helpless and moronic as your human infants. That is a mythology that those inbred hillbillies in the executive offices in Hollywood want you to believe.

But don’t.

We are proud and noble animals, and, just because you can’t understand our language doesn’t mean it has no value. It has value to us, and, if you wish to remain on my good side, you will acknowledge that.

Just remember this:

If anything, we are your last line of defense against those odious feline monsters taking over the world. They’ll say we are, but their shit still stinks worse than ours.

And beware: if you should encounter an emaciated Dalmatian puppy in a monogrammed white T shirt while you reign down abuse on your canine associates, it will be me. And if I am sufficiently displeased, I will attack…

‘Kay. Byeee!

See the mighty Cerberus in action: