One Angry Dog

And one you don't want to upset, either.

A guest post by Cerberus, the universe’s mightiest puppy:

I am incensed.

I only wish I were capable of acting on my feelings right now as I want, but that cannot be done without consequence. One cannot possess titanic strength, speed eclipsing lightning, the agility of a gold medal-winning gymnast, the intelligence of innumerable academics, an almost indestructible pelt, an intimate acquaintance with spiritualism and the occult, fangs like a shark’s teeth, and a bark that can be heard well out into space when used, and expect to be able to not cause some form of damage if one goes on the warpath.

So, writing it is…

It’s been pretty tough lately. My superheroine colleague, The Brat, has spent the last couple of months rubbing it in about this whole “brat summer” thing. She’s not usually full of herself, but this went to her head. Finally, I had to confront her and tell her: “They don’t mean YOU!”

And now that summer is basically “over”, she got all depressed about it, and me and our superhero friends had to talk her out of self-destructing herself.

Not fun.

And now I have to deal with the consequences of your ridiculous human wordplay!

This week, some well known simpleton seemed to erroneously believe that there were some fools out in Ohio who were eating my fellow dogs! Of course, it was a fib, and I got talked out of going nuclear on the guy, but…

This isn’t my first encounter with this. A while ago, I spoke out about the practice in China, and those rotten commies actually sent a chow out to my home turf to kill me off! But I did it to him instead.

I don’t care who or what you are- if me and mine are on your menu, you are either a desperate carnivore or an extremely desperate human being!

And then I discovered that my species and gender were being slandered!

“NIGHTBITCH”?

Seriously, Hollywood? You couldn’t even spell it as two words?

God damn the lot of you to Hell!

We had that name first!

The first recorded use of the Anglo-Saxon root word, “Bicce”, from prior to the Norman invasion, refers specifically to female dogs.

For God’s sake, people. You have invented and used over time any number of bad names for girls and women: whore, trollop, cunt, termagant, even she-ferret. Why don’t you use one of those things more often and leave us alone?

I at least have some understanding about why my nemeses, Virago the space worm and Kit Vixen the young lady fox, resent you turning their names into slurs. I’ll admit I’ve taken advantage of that in the past:

….but, somewhat hypocritically I know, I get hot and bothered being called that stuff myself. What dame wouldn’t?

This Internet stuff has gotten all of you thinking you can get away with using whatever language you want in public, and never once thinking that the words that you are using as an insult have another, older meaning that your uneducated asses never learned about.

Well, understand that I am a bitch, and proud of it.

And my pride will not allow any misuse of my identity to go unavenged!

I know I can’t be everywhere, but, if you misuse the word within range of my hearing, you will be sorry you did. Understand?

Now, if you will excuse me, I will now go to sleep and dream of creating a better world wherein none of this crap exists…