Superhero Intervention 2

Again?

(Int.- International League of Girls With Guns space station. As usual, CERBERUS, MUSCLE GIRL, CANDY GIRL, POWER BUNNY and THE BRAT are seated around a conference table. CERBERUS, at far end, addresses the audience.)

CERBERUS: Hello, all who may be watching this affair. We don’t usually like trying to correct your behavior, but we are superheroes, and we do notice lapses of judgement amongst you when they occur…

CANDY: Lapses of judgement, nothing! They’re being genocidal!

CERBERUS: Harsh! Do you really think that term is called for?

CANDY: Look, I heard what that Kennedy bastard said and did as much as anyone. He’s convinced that autism is a disease. And me being well known for being autistic, I might get hurt by his flack- unless we deal with him!

CERBERUS: Candy, did I not make it clear the last time we did this-

-that we have to operate at arm’s length dealing with this particular Presidential administration? We don’t need to be exposed to their wrath.

CANDY: But they need to be exposed to ours, and I…

CERBERUS: NO!!!!!

CANDY: Easy for you to turn me down on this. If your fellow mutts were being mischaracterized by that nutjob, you’d…

CERBERUS: You know full well what our policy is- no intentional murders!

CANDY: Did I say I wanted to murder him? (Beat). Well, I do, but…

MUSCLE GIRL: Let’s not let this get out of hand. We have enough to deal with without you two arguing protocol over every little thing!

POWER BUNNY: Yeah. Look, Candy, Kennedy acting up around autism is a brand-new thing. Certainly compared to my peoples’ grievances with whomever decided to stick us in that Easter routine.

THE BRAT: Not this again! Compared to Kennedy slagging autism, you being connected with Easter is a fairly innocent thing.

POWER BUNNY: Is it? You don’t get approached by people in the springtime asking if ya got the eggs ready yet. We don’t lay eggs!

MUSCLE GIRL: Of course, you don’t. Rabbits and eggs are both fertility symbols from Pagan times. Christianity co-opted the Pagan aspects of easter for its own ends..

POWER BUNNY: So where does the chocolate come in?

MUSCLE GIRL: That was an invention of Cadbury, the British chocolatiers, to show off their Dairy Milk recipe. It wasn’t meant to…

POWER BUNNY: It did, though!

CERBERUS: “Did” what?

POWER BUNNY: Stereotype us rabbits all as bed-hopping sex fiends, is what! Why do ya think the phrase is “they breed like rabbits”?

CANDY: But, you, PB, yourself, are kind of a-…

POWER BUNNY: A what?

CANDY: Erm…nothing.

CERBERUS: As long as we’re going to be blaming people for stereotyping us, we might as well add the fiends that came up with the idea for that rotten film!

MUSCLE GIRL: You mean that Tartakovksy movie about the dog who…?

CERBERUS: Yes! Nothing more than a human sex romp transferred unjustly to us canines. He knows nothing of the truth about…

THE BRAT: Cerb’…

CERBERUS: Yeah?

THE BRAT: Did it ever occur to you that there are some depictions of dogs in the media that are meant to be just for fun….?

CERBERUS: It reflects badly on all of us!

MUSCLE GIRL: So what would you do, then? Have a canine NAACP come around every time a movie is made about a dog and micromanage it?

CERBERUS: Not to that degree, but…

CANDY: They’re not likely to take the opinion of a strutting peacock like you seriously…

CERBERUS: Strutting peacock? What do you mean by that?

CANDY: Ah, yeah. I should have called you a strutting pea-hen.

CERBERUS: You are insulting me!

CANDY: Look, you insulted me first, playing down my autism! He denied my personhood in a way he never would for your mongrel self!

CERBERUS: HOW DARE YOU!

(She leaps at Candy’s throat. The broadcast descends into chaos as the heroines alternately try to kill each other or prevent each other from being killed, as is their wont.)