They Need No Introduction
Unless you just survived to this newsletter, in which case....
New Half-Off Paid Subscription Summer Sale- see here: https://davidperlmutter.substack.com/0c7331eb
(Fade in.)
Int.- Headquarters of the International League of Girls With Guns (meaning muscles, not firearms.)
CERBERUS, a Dalmatian puppy wearing a “C” letter shirt, addresses camera:
CERBERUS: Hello there. I, Cerberus, the most powerful puppy in the universe, greet you pleasantly. Seeing as this publication now has (looks at note; gasps) 3,088 subscribers!, there may be some of you not familiar with us and need to know what you got into. Hence this message.
As you probably can guess, I am a superheroine, using my obvious intelligence, speed, strength, agility and wit to intervene in the presence of evil:
I used to work solo, but then I happened to meet some other good guy gals when we suddenly faced a problem we couldn’t handle alone, and fixed it together. And we…tolerated each other enough to want to make it a running concern.
Before then, though, I had been mentoring a child prodigy who became a close associate in this ongoing fight: the little kid with the big punch, MUSCLE GIRL!
(Pause. A cue has been missed).
CERBERUS (hissing whisper): Come on, Gerda!
(MUSCLE GIRL comes into the frame: a sturdily built white girl with blonde pigtails and a port-wine and white colored uniform).
MUSCLE GIRL: Oh. (Gingerly). Hello.
CERBERUS: You’ll have to excuse her- she was in a bit of a punch-up with her nemesis today and got socked in the head a couple times too much. Normally, though, she’s quite lucid- and peachy:
MUSCLE GIRL: Peachy? I’m a fruit, now?
CERBERUS: No, I meant you’re peachy keen. Awesome sauce, as they say nowadays.
MUSCLE GIRL: Well, you aren’t so bad yourself. Can I go back to lying down, now- I got such a headache…
CERBERUS: Sure. Only tell Candy that I need…
VOICE OFF CAMERA: DAMN IT!
CERBERUS: I heard that, Candy. Didn’t I say not to swear today?
(CANDY GIRL, a tall, redheaded teenager wearing purple sweat-clothes, heavy boots and a glowing emerald ring, shows up. She takes her hand off one eye to reveal a freshly sustained shiner.)
CERBERUS: This is the adolescent member of our crew, Candy Girl.
CANDY (nods to camera): So what is the occasion?
CERBERUS: You remember I said that we need to welcome the new subscribers…
CANDY (panicked): That was TODAY? Aw…..and here I am looking like a….TROGLODYTE!
CERBERUS: Please! One injury is not going to ruin your appearance.
CANDY (still panicked): Tell that to the Internet! If someone sees me like this, they could think they could take me in a fight because I have….(inaudible).
CERBERUS: Don’t let this little display fool you- she’s quite powerful when she wants to be. She wrestled with the Queen of the Demons to get her brother back from the depths, and WON!:
CERBERUS: Candy, can you be a dear and call in….
CANDY: No need. They’re coming. (Runs out.)
(Loud footsteps as POWER BUNNY and THE BRAT enter the room. POWER BUNNY is an anthropomorphic rabbit of short stature, wearing her blue and white uniform. THE BRAT resembles a blonde-haired toddler girl, with the clothes to match, but she is actually an adult-voiced and mannered alien cyborg. They wobble a bit as if they have been drinking. Which angers CERBERUS.)
CERBERUS: Last but not least are these two. Power Bunny is an anthropomorphic rabbit of animated cartoon ancestry, who typically lives where they reside but comes out to help us when duty calls:
CERBERUS: Whereas the Brat is a diminutive gal who looks like one of your human toddlers, but is actually a very adult behaving half-flesh and half-machine being:
CERBERUS: And (sniffs air) you two have been hitting the bottle again!
POWER BUNNY: Aw- why do you keep bringing that up?
CERBERUS: Because you are a lush!
POWER BUNNY: Oh, is that so? You won’t talk so high and mighty once I knock you in the puss…
(She rushes to punch CERBERUS in the face, but misses and collapses in the corner.)
(CERBERUS then glares at THE BRAT).
CERBERUS: Did I not tell you to keep her sober?
THE BRAT: Honestly, I didn’t mean it. We were just having coffee…
(CERBERUS intensifies the glare).
THE BRAT: Okay, okay! We had it Irish, but I didn’t think that…
CERBERUS (deceptively mild): No matter. We’ve already humiliated ourselves enough tonight. Now shoo- unless you want your ass bitten!
(THE BRAT complies.)
CERBERUS: Look, I’m sorry. You kind of caught us on a bad day. But I can assure you that we are extremely formidable and vengeful units of justice, together and apart, the vast majority of the time. And you can catch more of us in action if you keep subscribed to this newsletter… (gets on knees, begs and cries tears) PLEASE DON’T UNSUBSCRIBE- I NEED THIS JOB…
(POWER BUNNY comes into frame, tackling CERBERUS. This abruptly ends the transmission.)
(Test pattern.)
(Fade out.)
Absolutely bonkers in the best way. Cerberus and crew never fail to deliver laughs, chaos, and charm. Always delighted to be along for the ride!
This was entertaining, and I must say if this is what a bad day looks like, I’m definitely curious what a smooth one would be like 😅