Hug A Dog Day

Really?

HUMANS!

I, Cerberus, mightiest puppy in the universe, request another audience with you- NOW.

You, or at least some of you, have an addiction to honoring we dogs that kind of goes beyond the call of duty. You may recall I spoke to you about this before:

…and I thought that I had made it clear that you had severely displeased me with this sort of “honoring”, and it had to STOP!

But you seem to be incredibly stupid when it comes to obeying orders from a mere dog, as powerful and talented as I am.

No- what do I find on the calendar online without my knowledge this day? HUG A DOG DAY?

What sort of barbarians actually celebrate this?

Is there a subset of you deliberately creating these things specifically to enrage me? Well, it’s working…

Okay, I admit it’s a good idea in theory. But hear me out…

For you, hugging is nothing. Just simple affectionate body contact.

For us, it’s like being stuck in a chokehold, repeatedly.

We’re closer to the ground than you and we walk on all fours, unlike you exceptions to the natural rule. This means when you are giving us your affectionate squeezies, you are constricting our internal organs. None the least of which is the throat, which you like to use as some sort of handhold for yourself, little thinking that you may be damaging your furry loved one’s trachea and larynx, and depriving of them of air, and, thus, life.

Of course, I’m used to having my body constricted; as a superhero, I fight beings who try to deprive me of life with your kind of “hugging” in different ways. And I am not adverse to “hugging” them in return.

But I also happen to be a “pet”, “owned”, as it were, by a very affectionate little girl, who, in her blessed ignorance, gives me a big one every chance she can.

Seriously. Gudrun’s parents have failed to educate her well enough on the consequences of hugging overdone. Not yet, anyway. So, until they do, I’m paying the price for that.

And to have a “day” that actually encourages this….

Of course, it could be worse. I could instead be the “pet” of my young protege, Gerda, whom some of you may know as Muscle Girl. She’s a little older than Gudrun, but she still can’t seemingly control herself around my overtly cute body. The first couple of times was fine; I could take it well enough. But she got that handle for a reason, and she could easily decide to kill me if she wanted to, and “hugging” me would be the way to do it.

But that would only happen in a real nightmare scenario, thankfully. She owes me too much.

Oh- and don’t get me started about the “hugging” that boy dogs want to do to me once they figure out I’m a girl. It’s one thing to tell me I have a nice ass or tail, or that my boobies really stand out, or that my chest is outstanding- I get wayyyy too much of that. It’s quite another to have one of those brainless twerps actually try to physically assault me. Rest assured, I beat them up and order them out of my sight afterwards without fail when that happens…

Mind you, I wouldn’t be adverse to being alone with a real prince charming type- but they’re as scarce as hen’s teeth…

Anyway, my point is this:

When you hug a dog, be gentle, or there will be consequences…

I am able to have some insulation against the worst of it because of my powers, but your normal everyday dog doesn’t. A too strong “hugging” attack might do them in!

And someone please get me the name and address of the knot-head who keeps coming up with these asinine dog-related “day” concepts, so that I may dissuade them from further activity of this kind. Otherwise I potentially might have to launch “Physically Assault A Human Day” in retaliation…

(Yawns). Okay, I’m beat. G’night…

Cerberus, the superhero, in action: